It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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