I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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