tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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