I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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