Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
