Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
