I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
