Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
