I could have mohawked her pubes.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
