Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
