She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
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She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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