the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
