i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
