why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
