Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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