i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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