she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
