I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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