If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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