i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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