I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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