i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
