Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
