Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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