Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
