His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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