mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
you told grandpa to call you daddy
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
