I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
