new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
