Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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