Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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