my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
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When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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