I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
