she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
