I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
