I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
