I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
