There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
