Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
