I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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