I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
