mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
