gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
