Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
