you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
