And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
