Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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