How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
