I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
