The maid of honor just puked.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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