My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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