He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
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I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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