We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
