saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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