I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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