You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
