ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
