I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
