just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
