my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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