I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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