I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
